| Movie |
Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls |
| Year |
1995 |
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Ace:
Meeting with sinister types much? A not too much, a much too much.
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Ace:
There's someone on the wing! Some... THING! I'm sorry, what were you saying?
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Ace:
The urine stain on your pants signifies that you are a single-shake man, far too busy for the follow-up jiggle.
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Ace:
You're an extreme workaholic. You recently returned from a short trip to Gotan in northern Africa, and upon your return you more than likely took a nasty spill because of some... shotty masonry work.
Vincent Cadby:
Very impressive... might I ask, how?
Ace:
Surely... The abrasion on the palm of your left hand is the type one sustains breaking a fall of 3 to 5 feet, the small reminisce of plaster on the tip of your shoe pointed to a careless mason beam, the culprit, your new watch, a quality forgery of a cartieah was most likely purchased through the north African black market known to reside in Gotan.
[Ace gasps for air]
Vincent Cadby:
And my work habits?
Ace:
Yes, a workaholic, the urine stain on your pants would signify that you're a single shake man, far to busy for a follow up jiggle.
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Airplane Stewardess:
[lisping] Peanuts?
Ace:
Yes, I have one right here. It's bulky, but I consider it carry-on.
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Ace:
Friends, rodents, quadrupeds, lend me your rears!
[yodels]
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Ace:
I'll have you know that I have the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose. Throw it. I DARE YOU!
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Ace:
It is the mucus that binds us.
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Ace:
Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky and loaded with danger.
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[spying, sitting in a mechanical rhino]
Ace:
Pretty hot in these rhinos...
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[Ace is chasing the villain with a monster truck]
Ace:
Nobody wants to play with me!
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Ace:
Guano bowls! Collect the whole set...
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Ace:
[the Tiny Warrior shrieks in Wachutu] What did he just say?
Fulton Greenwall:
I *think* he said, she's not a virgin.
Ace:
[pause] They can *tell* that?
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[Wachutu Chief exposes his rotten teeth while screaming at Ace]
Ace:
You know, gingivitis is the number one reason of all tooth decay.
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Ace:
Mmm, this fruit paste is delicious. And the pottery is lovely.
Ouda:
It's made from guano.
Ace:
Guano! Why's that sounding so familiar?
[Ace starts licking the remains of the fruit paste from the bottom of the bowl]
Fulton Greenwall:
Bat droppings.
[Ace drops the bowl, spitting the remains of the paste and wiping off his tongue]
Fulton Greenwall:
Guano is their main raw material, they're using it to made a lot of things in the village.
Ace:
Yummie!
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Ace:
Just what sort of bat are we talking about?
Fulton Greenwall:
The Great White Bat, of course.
Ace:
Corpus Kilochiroptera?
Fulton Greenwall:
Yes, but to the natives... Shikaka.
Ace:
Shikaka... Shikaka! Shikasha! Ohhh! Shishkabab. Shawshank Redemption. ShicaaaaGO! You're outta there! Go on, I gotcha, you're out.
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Fulton Greenwall:
Ace, the Wachutus are a blood-thirsty, savage tribe. If they catch you, they will show no mercy!
Ace:
Worry not, my brother. For I will be as a fly on the wall - a grain of salt in the ocean. I will move amongst them like a transparent... *thing*.
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Ace:
Where iz zhe bat?
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Ace:
Take that, you winged spawn of Satan!
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Fulton Greenwall:
Bumbawe Atuna... Bumbawe Atuna...
Ace:
Bumblebee tuna? Bumblebee tuna! Ace Ventura, Pet Detective! How are you this afternoon? Excuse me... Your balls are showing...
[smiles]
Ace:
Bumblebee tuna!
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Ace:
OK, all looks good, you know, you never really know until you check things out yourself.
Fulton Greenwall:
Well, aren't you going to go investigate?
Ace:
ITS DARK IN THERE... I MIGHT FALL INTO A PRECIPICE!
Ouda:
Here you go.
[hands him torch]
Ace:
[gives look] Spank you, Helpy Helperton...
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Ace:
Greenwall, hit the lights! The switch on the wall beside you! Go for it!... Flick it, QUICK!
[Greenwall does nothing]
Ace:
Allrighty, then! Shall we go to jail?
[clicks teeth at Cadby]
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Ace:
Of course. How sssselfish of me. Let's do all the things that YOU wanna do.
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Ace:
Can you feel it, Captain Compost?
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Ace:
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And you must be the Monopoly guy!
[whispering]
Ace:
Thanks for the free parking!
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[with Greenwall at top of a huge set of stairs leading to a temple]
Ace:
I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go...
[close-up of slinky going down temple stairs]
Ace:
Isn't this incredible? IT'S GONNA BE SOME KIND OF A RECORD! Everyone loves a Slinky, you gotta get a Slinky, Slinky, Slinky, go Slinky go!
[runs down to see Slinky stopped on second last step]
Ace:
Awww man! Can you beleive it. It was right there!
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Ace:
If you were me, then I'd be you, and I'd use *your* body to get to the top. You can't stop me no matter who you are!
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Vincent Cadby:
[Ace moans and howls upon entering a room sporting numerous stuffed animal heads] Something wrong, Mr. Ventura?
Ace:
Of course not. This is a lovely room of death.
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Ace:
[holding a skunk, imitating Tony Montana in Scarface] Say hello to my STINKY little friend!
[lifts the skunk's tail]
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Ace:
That's a lovely fur you're wearing. Perhaps I could find you some slippers made from the skins of innocent and defenseless baby seals!
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Ace:
Cadby, from the consulate, right? This is weird!
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Ace:
That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRASION ON YOUR PALM! Let me say that again.
[backs up]
Ace:
Malp ruoy no noisarba eht snialpxe taht dna eohs ruoy no saw tahw staht ni deppils uoy tahw stat.
[starts moving forward again]
Ace:
That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRASION ON YOUR PALM! Damn I'm good!
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Fulton Greenwall:
You must be very proud, Ace.
Ace:
Pride is an abomination. One must forego the self to obtain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation.
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Fulton Greenwall:
Yes, well, he bends over and speaks from his rear.
Ashram Monk:
Oh, him.
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Ace:
[parking] Like a glove!
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Ace:
[spying on the Wachutu tribe through a bush] "Wunderbar!", he exclaimed with great relish.
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[Ace is going at top speed towards the parking lot]
Fulton Greenwall:
Mr. Ventura, shouldn't we slow down?
Ace:
Nonsense, Poopy-Pants!
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Fulton Greenwall:
WE can pay you handsomely.
Ace:
I am now a child of light. Your earthly money holds no appeal to me.
Fulton Greenwall:
Twenty thousand dollars.
Ace:
Re-he-he-Really? No. I cannot. For I am sorely needed... here, at the ashram.
Ashram Monk:
If I may interject! We're short of space, and it's important for you to use your talents. Let me help you pack.
Ace:
But I am yet to attain omnipresent supergalactic oneness.
Ashram Monk:
Wait! Here it is! You've just attained it.
Ace:
I have?
Ashram Monk:
Just now! You are one! I can see it in your eyes. You're more one than anyone!
Ace:
What about my medallion of spiritual accomplishment?
Ashram Monk:
Take mine!
Ace:
Master. This took you eighty years to achieve!
Ashram Monk:
That's okay. I don't like it anymore. Really.
Ace:
In the light of this great personal sacrifice you've made, I have no choice... but to take the case.
Ashram Monk:
Great! I'll go tell the others!
Ace:
Master... break it to them gently.
Ace:
[cut to Ace and Greenwood exiting the temple through the celebrating, drinking, and some stripped monks] I've never seen then like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing.
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Ace:
Fe Fi Fo Fum! I smell... the fingerprints of scum!
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