| Movie |
Jackass: The Movie |
| Year |
2002 |
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[opening line]
Johnny Knoxville:
I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to "Jackass"!
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Johnny Knoxville:
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and we're about to test my Rocket Skates.
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Ryan Dunn:
I'm Ryan Dunn, and I'm about to get the***kicked out of me by a girl.
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Spike Jonze:
[Acting like an old man on a scooter] You're a nice man. Would you like to come over for dinner?
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Steve-O:
Hi it's cold in Japan, so were going to warm ourselves up with some fireworks.
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Bam Margera:
Since we no longer have to bleep cuss words, I promise I will get my mom to say, "***" by the end of this movie.
[after seeing an alligator in her house]
April Margera:
That's the scariest ***ing thing I ever saw!
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Chris Pontius:
I guess I don't have any last words. I'm just gonna kill myself once I lose my wiener.
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Chris Pontius:
Wait a minute. I already know my fortune, it's partying!
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Johnny Knoxville:
I think I'm a little concussed.
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Chris Pontius:
[after being swatted by a puma while wearing a foam rubber mouse costume] I don't like him. He's mean.
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Chris Raab:
I'm Raab Himself and I'm a complete ***ing idiot.
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Steve-O:
You know it's when like your parents said "I'm not mad at you, just disappointed" You know that hurt so much more.
[Laughing]
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[while viewing the apparatus for the "Bungee Wedgie" stunt]
Rick Kosick:
This isn't gonna work!
Jeff Tremaine:
It might...
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Johnny Knoxville:
Is this the worst you've ever had to go boom-boom?
Dave England:
No man. I***my pants at the fair.
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Johnny Knoxville:
Did you see the way I stopped the beanbag with my stomach? That's instinct. You can't teach that.
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Johnny Knoxville:
I was Lon Chaney's lover!
Shopkeeper:
Go back and love him!
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Bam Margera:
Whose***do I gotta suck to get some explosions around here?
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Chris Pontius:
Hi, I'm Bunny the Lifeguard, any of these alligators try to ruin our swimming, I'm gonna wrestle them down, and probably have my way with them.
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Steve-O:
We wanted to see if you would run!
Ryan Dunn:
I'm not running anywhere with a toy car shoved up my butt.
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Ryan Dunn:
I'm surrounded by cacti, for ***'s sake... IT'S CACTI!
Steve-O:
It's cactus!
Ryan Dunn:
Whatever it is, it hurts!
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Ryan Dunn:
What a dumbass idea! I'm surrounded by cacti, for ***'s sake!
Spike Jonze:
*Offscreen* It's cactus!
Ryan Dunn:
It's cacti! Whatever it is it hurts!
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Johnny Knoxville:
That had bad news written all over it.
Bam Margera:
Dunn can't drive for***
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Steve-O:
We're in Okinawa right now, and we're about to go swim with some whale sharks, but first...
Chris Pontius:
We need to go rub one out.
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Johnny Knoxville:
Do you have a pocket***
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[after waking Phil up with fire works]
Bam Margera:
Hey Phil, you know you have to get up at 5 in the morning tonight.
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Johnny Knoxville:
There's no such thing as failure, Steve-O!... One thing I know, is good tightrope walking!
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Dave England:
Knoxville knocked my nuts in half!
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[after disturbing a golf game with an air horn]
Angry Golfer:
Didn't I tell you I was going to come over here and kick your***for that?
Johnny Knoxville:
But... I'm sorry. I got bursitis.
Angry Golfer:
You got bursitis.
Johnny Knoxville:
Yeah.
Angry Golfer:
So that means you gotta play with a horn?
Johnny Knoxville:
It helps.
Angry Golfer:
I'll give you something to play with, pal!
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Ryan Dunn:
I could sure go for a Miller High Life...
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Johnny Knoxville:
You little bastard!
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[Johnny Knoxville returns the badly damaged rental car]
Rental car attendant:
Whose car is this?
Johnny Knoxville:
This is your guy's car. I rented it from you earlier.
Rental car attendant:
Yes... What?
Johnny Knoxville:
Yeah, I hit a dog.
Rental car attendant:
A dog isn't gonna do all that.
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[a man tries to help Spike Jonze after his scooter zooms downhill]
Man:
You all right?
Spike Jonze:
Yeah.
Man:
You have... Your brakes go out?
Spike Jonze:
Yeah. The whole thing doesn't work.
Man:
Really?
Spike Jonze:
Will you push me to the top? I wanna do it again.
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Ryan Dunn:
I'm not too excited about this skit, it's not my favorite I've ever done, because there's a toy car in my butt. But this is the "Butt X-Ray".
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Ryan Dunn:
[after many failed intro attempts, sigh] Goddamn, this is the BMX tug-of-war.
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Bam Margera:
[from extended footage, on phone] How much does Rake hate mustard?
[to cameraman]
Bam Margera:
This is Rake's mom and she says I wouldn't be able to have children in my future.
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Bam Margera:
Look at Phil's tummy.
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Steve-O:
Yeah dude!
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Johnny Knoxville:
This is the Muscle Simulator.
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Bam Margera:
Now these rocket skates are going to be a little different than the last.
Johnny Knoxville:
You using different bottle rockets?
Bam Margera:
Nope. Just more of 'em.
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Johnny Knoxville:
I have bad news written all over me.
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Jason Acua:
I'm Weeman and this is a big cone.
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Phil Margera:
Now you're getting crazy with this*** Ape! He's starting to lose it! Jesus Christ! Ape! I need toilet paper!
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Bam Margera:
This is Sweaty Fat ***s.
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Johnny Knoxville:
Is Butterbean okay?
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Ehren McGhehey:
What's wrong?
Johnny Knoxville:
I done fell and busted my*** that's what's ***in' wrong!
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Steve-O:
I am so glad I turned this idea down.
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Johnny Knoxville:
[after being beat up by Butterbean] Is Butterbean OK?
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Rakeyohn:
[referring to bungee wedgie] This is worse than the hanging.
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Man:
We have many... What the hell you doin?
Dave England:
I'm sorry. I'm almost done.
Man:
I hope you ain't takin' a***in that sonfabitch.
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Steve-O:
[while preparing the wasabi to snort it] Chopsticks are so *stupid*!
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Johnny Knoxville:
[dazed, holding head after golf cart accident] I don't know what happened. I just remember we went in the air and the next thing I know, I'm just... ***ed.
Bam Margera:
Dude, you were hauling so much***
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Lance Bangs:
[vomiting, disgusted at Dave England soiling himself] I had to sit there while he shat!
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Steve-O:
[laughing] I ran straight into a crocodile! Oh, my God!
Jeff Tremaine:
Why can't you walk on a tightrope?
Steve-O:
[shrugs, scratches head] I dunno.
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Johnny Knoxville:
[laughing at Dave England who has soiled himself] Oh*** I'm taking a cab back to the hotel!
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Johnny Knoxville:
[giving off camera direction to Jason Acuna] Kick yourself in the head, wee man.
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Chris Pontius:
[putting the "Muscle Stimulator" on a sensitive area] Right, let's zap my nuts.
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Johnny Knoxville:
[after returning the smashed up car] But I returned it with a full tank of gas.
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Steve-O:
[to Johnny Knoxville] I got an ember fell right on my cornhole, dude!
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Johnny Knoxville:
[referring to firework going off] That almost hit Loomis in the face!
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Johnny Knoxville:
What's the quickest you've ever knocked anyone out?
Butterbean:
I hold, like, a California state record's like 18 seconds including the ten-count.
Johnny Knoxville:
I think you're gonna break that today.
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[opening narration]
Opening narrator:
WARNING - The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals, so for your safety and the protection of those around you, do *not* attemp any of the stunts you're about to see.
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[in opening of "Butt-x-ray"]
Steve-O:
So, is there any, like, *real* reason, why would someone stick something like that in his***
Ed the medic:
No.
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[on "Butt-x-ray"]
Steve-O:
If Ryan was an animal, what would he be?
Manny Puig:
This doesn't happen in nature.
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Johnny Knoxville:
[to Steve O] Go grab the dead kitty!
[later, in disbelief after Steve O exits the poo river]
Johnny Knoxville:
You're not going to save the kitty?
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April Margera:
[fanning blankets in bed] I'm helping you, are you OK?
Johnny Knoxville:
[under blankets, clearly suffering] No, you're just wafting Phil's***in my nose!
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Eric Koston:
I can't believe he got that far!
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Butterbean:
Hit me once at least.
[Johnny Knoxville punches Butterbean in the face]
Butterbean:
There ya go.
[Butterbean punches Knoxville unconscious]
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Johnny Knoxville:
That was my flesh!
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Steve-O:
That's Danger Ehren, a.k.a. "Who?" and that's Dave England, a.k.a. "Why?"
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Ryan Dunn:
So how did a car toy get there?
Cuban-dude doctor:
Maybe you stuck it up your***
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Ryan Dunn:
I'm about to***my***
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Steve-O:
Dude they're telling me the parasites in there can ***ing crawl through your anything like even my***hole, I'm like so I wanted to put like a rubber on, but no one has a rubber. Dude ***ing after all that *** and my***goes down because of this***
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