| Movie |
Haggard: The Movie |
| Year |
2003 |
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Officer:
I gotta take you in.
Valo:
Aww, for the love of ***s sake, you CAN'T take him in.
Officer:
I gotta make an arrest here; I had a complaint...
Valo:
Whwhwhwh, wait, I got this sports watch, you can have it, here.
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Glauren:
What I need right now is heavy metal music, hard drinkin, mayhem,***you can't offer me right now, okay Ryan?
Ryan Dunn:
Who are you? You don't even like fast music - you don't even drink.
Glauren:
[indignant] Yeah. Before I met Hellboy. You know what your problem is? You always want***to stay the same, okay? I need to get out there. I wanna play the field - of dicks.
[beat]
Ryan Dunn:
Eww.
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Falcone:
These... are girlfriend's... underwears.
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Officer:
Hellboy?
Ryan Dunn:
Picture a guy named Hellboy... and that's what he looks like.
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Hellyboy:
What the *** is that? Do I have a camera?
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Ryan Dunn:
That's a nice tattoo you got there. What does that mean?
Girl at Coffee Shop:
It means desire.
Ryan Dunn:
Desire huh? What the *** does that mean? Does that mean you're into dudes with ***in' long hair, smell like beer, have shitty tattoos; maybe they hang out at the bowling alley! Maybe, just maybe you'll go out back and rub their sick crotch; he'll stick his hands down your pants. Meanwhile, your boyfriend's sittin' at home jerkin off to ***in' gay ***.
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Glauren:
Hellboy ***ing fingered me.
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[Glauren and Hellboy are having*** Valo and Falcone are eavesdropping]
Glauren:
Teenagers were meant to ***.
Valo:
Did she just say "teenagers were meant to ***"?
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Don Vito:
No, what are you doin'? Those grapes ain't for you.
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[while filming a home movie using a model train set and action figures]
Falcone:
What are you guys doing, humping on the caboose?
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[Talking about Hellboy's tattoo]
Glauren:
Actually, he's got a rhino. Ya' know, I'm a Leo so I like rhinos...
[In a sarcastic voice]
Ryan Dunn:
Yeah, rhino, real cool.
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Valo:
Some girl stabbed Ryan in the eye, now he's gotta rock a pirate-patch for at least a month.
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Falcone:
So how's school going, Raab?
Raab:
Ohh, wow, not so good. I lost my schedule at the beginning of the semester, and couldn't find where my classes for like a month and a half. And I'm getting three D's and an F, but I mean, it's not that bad considering I passed.
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Valo:
Don't touch me, or I'll seriously kill your face, it's so hardcore.
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Valo:
Tell him how Hellboy's in for it.
Falcone:
You know Hellboy? He's in for it.
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[after showing Ryan the tape of Hellboy and Glauren having***/i>]
Ryan:
I'm gonna rip Hellboy a new ***.
Valo:
No, I think Hellboy ripped Glauren a new ***.
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Dooly:
Bro, why weren't you at the rager last night?
Valo:
What rager? Maybe 'cause you didn't call me up and invite me.
Dooly:
Watch your mouth, sweetheart.
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Valo:
Yo, what was it like though, bein' in jail for the first time? Was it good?
Ryan:
Just drop it.
Valo:
Did you meet any new friends?
Ryan:
Just drop it, alright?
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Valo:
Let me guess: some sort of experiment?
Falcone:
Spearmint? I'd rather Wintergreen. What are you talkin' about?
Valo:
The TV. It's sideways.
Falcone:
Why wouldn't it be sideways? I have to watch it with my neck straight, so I'm comfortable. Otherwise I'd have a taco neck, ya know?
Valo:
Did you take acid?
Falcone:
...yea.
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Falcone:
I will tell you everything, I'll let you know. You'll be so much smarter. Girls are like... a lake, you know? Like, you can jump right in, get in there, and then you're all used to it and everything's great. But come winter time
[snaps fingers]
Falcone:
that***s ***in' frozen. Then you're ***ed. That's why I know the difference: I always pull out of it.
Valo:
What are you talking about? This food is making you crazy.
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Valo:
What the *** is wrong with all my friends?
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Falcone:
Later on do you wanna go to to the bakery? I can almost taste it with my nose. Ever feel that way?
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Falcone:
I like chocolate, I like fudge, I'll make some now or I won't budge.
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Don Vito:
[to Ryan, through restaurant window] What're you *doin'* in there? I've been looking all over for you to... feed me some grapes!
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Ryan Dunn:
[after Glauren apologizes] Get lost.
[she turns around and smacks Valo]
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Ryan Dunn:
You dumped me for a guy named HELLBOY?
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Valo:
You paint your face fluorescent yellow and you want a sip of my booze? *** off!
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Ryan Dunn:
Dude! She got fingered!
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Fat Guy with Watermelon:
You picked the wrong mother***er to *** with!
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Glauren:
I got a two o'clock.
Ryan Dunn:
I am your two o'clock. You're a hairdresser, I got bad hair and I need you to cut it.
Glauren:
You're an ***.
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Ryan Dunn:
You look beautiful today.
Glauren:
You look like***
Ryan Dunn:
Gee thanks, why do you think I'm in here? I'm getting my hair cut. I know I look like***
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Valo:
Alright dude, seriously just relax okay? Look at that girl over there. She's reading a book alone. If that's not an invitation, I don't know what is.
Ryan Dunn:
What are you talking about, Valo? It's a coffee shop. People like that come here to get away from people like us.
Valo:
She is looking for*** I can see it.
Ryan Dunn:
What does it matter? I look like***
Valo:
Go talk to her.
Ryan Dunn:
What do I say?
Valo:
I don't know. Compliment her on that tattoo or something.
Ryan Dunn:
Yeah, that'll work. It sounds so ***ing lame.
Valo:
Worked for Glauren.
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Wallet Guy:
There's gotta be a ***ing five in here somewhere.
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Valo:
He definitely doesn't wear the pants in that relationship.
Falcone:
Pants? He wears girl's underwears.
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Falcone:
Don Vito is a whore about his grapes.
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Valo:
Why is Don Vito such a bitch about grapes?
Falcone:
Yeah, Don Vito's a whore about grapes.
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Valo:
Your ***ing brilliant plan just got me pissed on by Hellboy's sick***
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Valo:
You've got a ***ing rhinoceros on your chest! What the hell did you do?
Ryan:
I just got a tattoo...
Valo:
It looks ri-Goddamn-diculous!
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Valo:
When was the last time you beat off?
Ryan:
...What?
Valo:
When was the last time you beat off?
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Glauren:
I get all the free games I want. What can you offer me?
Ryan:
I don't know how I can compete with free games, but how about my UTTER DEVOTION to you?
Glauren:
That's so overrated.
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Valo:
I don't care if it's a car, I don't care if it's a Goddamn Batmobile. I don't want to drive with him.
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Ryan:
[halfheartedly throws bottle]
Valo:
That was the most pussified attempt I have ever seen.
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Valo:
What the *** is wrong with your face? We're about to perform a highly illegal break-in and you're on your way to a football game with your frat buddies!
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Valo:
[Valo's voicemail message] Yeah, I figured it'd be you, that's why I didn't answer it.
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Valo:
Seriously, knock that***off. I'm going to punch your throat off your body. I'm walking over here. If you follow me, I'm gonna kill you.
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Beth:
I think those are the most innovative people I've ever seen.
Valo:
Are you kidding me? I think that's the most asinine***I've ever seen apart from that ghetto****** machine!
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Glauren:
What do you mean no? You said you'd do anything for me the other night!
Ryan:
I think I was drunk... and rather stupid. So no. And *** off.
Glauren:
Me *** off?
Ryan:
*** OFF!
Glauren:
*** you!
[slaps Valo]
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Bartenders:
You could be up to your spuds in bitch meat every day, but that's not love, that's just jacking loads of birds.
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Raab:
See you Valo.
Valo:
God-damn, I don't know him.
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Bartenders:
What the hell?
Valo:
Oh, it's just Naked Dave.
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Falcone:
Anyway, I'm making this invention and, uh, I need like freeon from old fridgerators so keep an eye out. It's this uh, reverse microwave I'm making. Oh man, it makes things cool real fast.
Raab:
So... you're making some invention that could make stuff cold like, rally fast?
Falcone:
That's what I just said...
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