| Movie |
Van Wilder |
| Year |
2002 |
 |
Van Wilder:
Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.
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Van Wilder:
But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... Timmy? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down.
Suicidal Freshman:
I don't have a pen.
Van Wilder:
Well remember that then. And you know something, Timmy? I think you've got the balls to make it here. Call me nuts, but I believe in you.
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Gwen:
[Mouths] What are you doing here?
Van Wilder:
[Mouths] I don't know!
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Van Wilder:
Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you... even if you know its someplace you know you're not suppossed to be.
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[repeated line, after giving advice]
Van Wilder:
Write that down.
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Van Wilder:
All you need is scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down.
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Van Wilder:
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
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Van Wilder:
The first day of spring semester. A time to say goodbye to the parents once again, and say hello to a few new student bodies.
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Van Wilder:
Don't be a fool, stay in school!
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Van Wilder:
What is wrong with people today?
Hutch:
[taking a hit from a bong] It's the internet, it fries their brain cells.
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Taj:
I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.
Van Wilder:
Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.
Taj:
Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that*** yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.
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Vance Wilder, Sr.:
Van is still in school?
Assistant:
For the better part of a decade.
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Campus Cop:
Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to back away from Van's vehicle!
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Vance Wilder, Sr.:
Sweet Joesph, my son's a fairy.
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Van Wilder:
Take your clothes off.
Gwen:
I'm not taking off my clothes.
Van Wilder:
Well it is the naked mile run, everybody else is in their birthday suit.
[a hairy naked guy runs by]
Van Wilder:
Except that guy.
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[after a stripper farts in their face]
Van Wilder:
Congratulations Taj, your first blow job!
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Van Wilder:
Don't be a fool and wrap your tool.
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Van Wilder:
Crazy kids with their crazy VDs.
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Hutch:
I've got a plan. Let's go get ***ed up.
Van Wilder:
Sounds good.
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Van Wilder:
I know Ms. Pac-Man is special. She's fun. She's cute. She swallows.
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Panos Patakos:
Nobody even knows we're here.
Van Wilder:
Au contraire, mon freres.
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Van Wilder:
I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal... medulla oblongata's.
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Van Wilder:
Her name's Naomi. That's "I moan" backwards.
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Richard:
You're going to miss the biggest party of the year!
[Crickets chirp]
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Jeannie:
This party so rocks, Richard!
Richard:
This party sucks rectum, Jeannie!
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Panos Patakos:
How do you put a price on dignity?
Friend:
How do you put a price on poonani?
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Van Wilder:
Whoa, trick or treat. What's going on?
Richard:
This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party.
Van Wilder:
Graphic.
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Richard:
Gwen, what are you doing here?
Van Wilder:
You two know each other?
Richard:
That's my girlfriend, gluteus erecti.
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Van Wilder:
You shouldn't take life to seriously. You'll never get out alive.
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Van Wilder:
if you're always thinking about the future, then you kinda forget about the present.
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[to Gwen's Parents about Richard]
Van Wilder:
He's here, who is running hell?
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Van Wilder:
Blue - it brings out your eyes. The kid has killer eyes, not unlike yourself - anyone ever tell you that?
Gwen:
Yes, my boyfriend.
Van Wilder:
Your boyfriend? What's his name?
Gwen:
I don't think that's any of your business.
Van Wilder:
[Puts on sunglasses and turns away] You're right
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Van Wilder:
Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK!
[under his breath]
Van Wilder:
Not that you had to.
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Van Wilder:
Wow, If he's here, who's running hell?
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Van Wilder:
Well just take a look at this... ya... doodles... I attend class today just about stayed the whole time too!
Gwen:
I'm glad you went to all your classes today.
Van Wilder:
And a few that weren't mine, I stepped in the wrong room, liked what I heard... stayed.
Gwen:
That's great!
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Gwen:
I'm doing a human interest piece... on you.
Van Wilder:
I'm flattered, I'd love for your piece to be on me.
[looks up at the ceiling and sighs]
Van Wilder:
... But sadly I don't do interviews, never have, never will. Do lunch though.
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Richard:
Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian. He's in his, what? sixth year?
Van Wilder:
Actually, its lucky number seven.
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Taj:
[Jumps up] WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT?
Hutch:
In your room a few days ago. I'm trying to spark this bong, but the damn thing won't light.
Taj:
That's no bong... It's for my shlong.
[Hutch starts coughing and gagging]
Hutch:
Hold up, I just put my mouth on your***pump?
[Taj nods his head]
Hutch:
Oh damn!
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Gwen:
Well I think it takes a lot more then the kind of underwear one wears to define them as a person.
[Van looks shocked]
Van Wilder:
Like what?
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Campus Cop:
We've got a jumper!
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[ink blot test]
Stoner Freshman:
I see a rabbi, and he's performing a circumcision... on himself though.
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Van Wilder:
Well, you haven't lived until you've shot-putted blitzed on Jager!"
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Van Wilder:
I want you all over that ball like a fat kid on a cupcake!
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Van Wilder:
Gwen, good of you to come. Now take off your clothes. It is the naked mile run.
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Taj:
Is that all you people think about? Getting ***ed up?
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Taj:
Is that all you people think about? Now, I admit I applied for this job because I wanted to cut loose and shake my romp, but I belive that this dilema cannot be solved by partying.
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Taj:
You have shown me a live I could only dream about back home by masturbating in my father's woodshed.
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Van Wilder:
All this time I thought I was more to you than a flaccid story.
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Van Wilder:
It's a date.
Gwen:
It's an interview.
Van Wilder:
First dates are interviews.
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Van Wilder:
Dinner for two. Clothing optional.
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Van Wilder:
You think about the future too much and you kinda forget about the present. Obviously.
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Van Wilder:
Hey look. I read the damn article all right. But don't tell anyone because if word gets out that I read my reputation shot to hell.
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Taj:
Doesn't she have a boyfriend?
Van Wilder:
Details. Only details.
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McDoogle:
Ok, Wilder. Let's dance.
Van Wilder:
It's a good day to die, McDoogle.
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Van Wilder:
If Milty Mingleton can shove himself into that weenie bikini, then you don't need to be shy about making your donations to the swim team.
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Van Wilder:
We'll be accepting donations in the form of cash, visa, and full frontal nudity.
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[while having***with Jeannie]
Richard:
P.S. Shut the *** up!
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[after tasting Jager]
Kid:
This tastes like*** You got any scotch?
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[after the dog farted in the tub & his testicles floated to the top]
Van:
These things could raise the Titanic!
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McDoogle:
This is some pad Wilder... Decorated in early ***!
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Richard:
You do not call her bitch, Gonad!
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Vance Wilder, Sr.:
Where can I find Van Wilder?
Wasted Guy:
In the Guinness Book of World-***ing-Records, man... under "Raddest ***ing Dude Alive"!
Vance Wilder, Sr.:
Ok. Thanks.
Wasted Guy:
In any one of these three rooms, Gramps.
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Van Wilder:
What's that intoxicating scent you're wearing Doris?
Ms. Doris Haver:
I have cats.
Van Wilder:
Meow!
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Gwen:
What was that girl, a freshman?
Van Wilder:
She reads at a sophomore level.
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[Ms. Haver takes a long swig on some liquor]
Ms. Doris Haver:
Oh yeah... that's the***
Van Wilder:
You know... I think I'm getting a little coldsore come on... so maybe we shouldn't do this for 3 to 6 weeks?
Ms. Doris Haver:
Shut up, bitch and give me some sugar!
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McDoogle:
I've been waiting all these years for you to realize your potential.
Van Wilder:
That's why you and I had friction? God, I always thought it was 'cause, 'cause I fooled around with your daughter freshman year.
McDoogle:
Why, what... You fooled around with my daughter?
Van Wilder:
What?
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[Stripper farts, blowing white powder over Van, Hutch and Taj. There is a pause before Van whoops and claps in applause]
Van Wilder:
Taj, your first blow job!
Taj:
In my country, a woman's mastery of her gastronomical releases is considered the ultimate aphrodisiac!
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Jeannie:
Then we bumped uglies. It was the best ten seconds ever.
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Van Wilder:
Those circus midgets can NOT hold their booze!
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Van Wilder:
I'm all out of love. I'm so lost without you. I know you were right. Believing for so long.
Sally:
Dope song. What's it called?
Van Wilder:
Gwen Used Me For Her Story, Then Married an***Wipe... and Ran Over My Heart With a Big Metaphorical Truck. Originally performed by Air Supply.
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Vance Wilder, Sr.:
Excuse me? Can you tell me where I might find the 'Radest ***ing dude alive'?
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Gwen:
Is it true this is your seventh year at Coolidge?
Van Wilder:
Carry the two, yes that's correct.
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Van Wilder:
I'm sorry, fellas. The bakery's closed.
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Van Wilder:
[while the dog is walking away, and his balls have shrunk] Look all he needed was a little TLC
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