| Movie |
Quiz Show |
| Year |
1994 |
 |
Herbie Stemple:
I love my wife, but it's like living with a plague of locusts.
|
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Mark Van Doren:
What these books have conclusively proven is that the diffence between men and women is exactly 38 pages.
Man 1:
Can I quote you, Mark?
Mark Van Doren:
Not before I quote me.
Dorothy Van Doren:
His own quotes are his greatest pleasure.
Man 2:
Did you hear the market dropped 30 points today. There's a rumor Eisenhower died.
Dorothy Van Doren:
How could they tell?
Mark Van Doren:
Oh, please. Don't get Dorothy started on politics. There'll be a raid.
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Herbie Stemple:
You know why they call them Indians? Because Columbus thought he was in India. They're "Indians" because some white guy got lost.
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Mark Van Doren:
Cheating on a quiz show? That's sort of like plagiarizing a comic strip.
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Herbie Stemple:
Come and see Herbie Stempel get thrown to the Columbia lions! Watch Charles Van Doren eat his first kosher meal in his life.
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Dan Enright:
How much do they pay instructors up at Columbia?
Charles Van Doren:
Eighty-six dollars a week.
Dan Enright:
Do you have any idea how much Bozo the Clown makes?
Charles Van Doren:
Well... we, we can't all be Bozo the Clown.
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Herbie Stemple:
You wanna be worshipped? Go to India and moo.
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Mark Van Doren:
If you look around the table and you can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.
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Mark Van Doren:
Sixty-four thousand dollars for a question, I hope they are asking you the meaning of life.
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Herbie Stemple:
And they love me for the same reason they used to hate me, because I'm the guy who knows everything.
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Herbie Stemple:
[referring to television] That box is the biggest thing since Gutenberg invented the printing press, and I'm the biggest thing on it.
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Herbie Stemple:
Don't do this to me, it's humiliating.
Enright:
For seventy grand, Herb, you can afford to be humiliated.
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[At a poker game]
:
I know you're lying.
Charles Van Doren:
Bluffing. The word is bluffing.
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Mark Van Doren:
Why don't you just put it in the bank Charlie? That's what I've always done with my prize money.
Charles Van Doren:
It's just, you don't understand dad, it's, there are all sorts of tax implications
Mark Van Doren:
You Think I can't understand the concept of taxes.
Charles Van Doren:
At this level it's a bit more complicated.
Mark Van Doren:
And at my level? I never thought of myself as having a level. What level might that be?
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:
21 is rigged and I can prove it... I have Enright cold and that means I have you.
Kitner:
Really?
:
Really.
Kitner:
Then how come you're the one who's sweating?
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|
Toby Stempel:
I know what you're gonna accomplish, I just don't know what he's gonna accomplish.
Herbie Stemple:
You want to know what? If I do nothing else I will convince them that Hebert Stemple knows what won the God-damned Academy Award for best God-damned picture of 1955; that's what I'm gonna accomplish.
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Albert Freedman:
It's not like we're hardened criminals here. We're in show business.
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Charles Van Doren:
I've stood on the shoulders of life and I've never gotten down into the dirt to build, to erect a foundation of my own. I've flown too high on borrowed wings. Everything came too easy.
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:
I asked myself, "why would he do this, he knows I'll come after him?" Then it occurred to me. He knows I'll come after him.
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Toby Stempel:
My mother wants to know why you only went for eight on the movies.
Herbie Stemple:
Because my real expertise is pain-in-the***in-laws, all right?
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[to a reporter outside the committee hearing]
Herbie Stemple:
You know what the problem with you bums is? You never leave a guy alone unless you're leaving him alone.
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Congressman Derounian:
I'm happy that you've made the statement. But I cannot agree with most of my colleagues. See, I don't think an adult of your intellegence should be commended for simply, at long last, telling the truth.
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Jack Barry:
[prepping for the show] My light okay? My nose doesn't look big?
Stage worker:
You look great Jack.
Jack Barry:
Last week I looked like a sun dial.
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Account Guy:
Stempel is an underdog. You know, people root for that. It's a New York thing.
Martin Rittenhome:
Queens is not New York!
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Student At Book Party:
Professor Van Doren, I took your course at Columbia - "Hawthorne, Original Sin, and the American Experience". Well, as silly as it sounds, it changed my life.
Mark Van Doren:
Was it the Hawthorne or the sin?
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:
Excuse me. Do you think he might see me before the peacock molts?
Kintner's Secretary:
Who are you with again?
:
I'm with the United States Congress. Perhaps you've heard of them.
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:
You're to receive the questions in advance, and I'm to thank you for the courtesy of attending this hearing.
Martin Rittenhome:
Mercy. What a grueling line of inquiry.
:
Must have a familiar ring - the questions in advance.
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Albert Freedman:
If you were a kid, would you wanna be an annoying Jewish guy with a side wall haircut?
Charles Van Doren:
Well I wanted to be Joe Dimaggio.
Albert Freedman:
Oh yeah, me too. Especially after he signed for that hundred grand.
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Jack Barry:
Eleven points will bring you to 21 and you will be our new champion! Because of a disagreement with his commanding general, Ulysses S. Grant was virtually placed under arrest for a brief time early in 1862. Who was the commanding general of the Union army at that time? Tough question.
Charles Van Doren:
Just so oddly familiar.
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Mark Van Doren:
Your name is mine!
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Announcer:
Geritol. America's #1 tonic. Geritol, the fast-acting, high-potentcy tonic, that helps you feel... stronger... fast... presents the exciting quiz program..."Twenty-One." Brought to you by NBC, The National Broadcasting Company, broadcasting nationally coast to coast, from New York to Los Angeles, from Seattle to St. Petersburg... via a vast network of affiliates crisscrossing the country. Coming up next, "Twenty-One," starring master of ceremonies Jack Barry!
[music cues build dramatically]
Announcer:
Two players racing to score 21 points... each in a soundproof television studio, not knowing the other one's score... with $500 riding on each point... as they both play..."Twenty-One!"
[lively theme music plays]
Announcer:
And here's your host... Jack Barry!
[the audience applauds as Jack runs on to the stage and stands behind his podium]
Jack Barry:
[looking at us] Good evening. I'm Jack Barry. Due to a series of ties, Herbert Stempel, our 29-year-old ex-G.I. college student, must play at $3,000 a point, which means that in a few brief minutes, he can either win as much as $100,000 - the most money won on television to date - or lose everything he's won in the last eight weeks.
[as Jack continues to speak, Herbert and his opponent wait to be introduced]
Stempel's opponent:
You nervous?
Herbie Stemple:
[chuckles as he clean's his glasses] It's only money.
Jack Barry:
Isolated in their soundproof studios, neither player is aware of the other's score. I've been assured by our friends at the encyclopedia... that they've concocted some real brain-breakers this week, so we'll find out in the next 30 minutes... if the unstumpable Herbert Stempel can be stumped. Could I have the questions, please?
[a drumroll plays as the questions are handed to Jack by a stagehand]
Jack Barry:
Thank you, gentlemen. Remember the questions on "Twenty-One" are secured each week in a Manhattan bank vault 'til just before show time. So right now, let's meet Herbert Stempel and his challenger as Geritol, America's #1 tonic, presents "Twenty-One."
[a fanfare plays and the audience applauds as Herbert and his opponent make their entrances]
|
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:
And I'll send you a little helpful reminder. You'll notice it because it'll look very much like a subpoena.
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|
:
You know, money isn't everything.
Sandra Goodwin:
I'm not the one who came home with a Chrysler catalogue.
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Charles Van Doren:
[to Enright after his first fixed show] "So pure it floats", hmm?
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Charles Van Doren:
I've been swarmed by stockbrokers lately; I feel like a girl with a bad reputation.
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Herbie Stemple:
[offering rugelach] Come on, they're a Jewish delicacy. Before Toby eats it.
Toby Stempel:
I'm retaining water, for your information.
Herbie Stemple:
You and the Grand Coulee Dam.
|
|
:
Hey, you don't have to be a genius to connect the dots.
Charles Van Doren:
Well, don't connect them through me.
:
Hey, don't treat me like some member of your goddamn fan club. Are you telling me everybody got the answers but you?
Charles Van Doren:
You're so persistent,*** You know, I really envy that.
:
Was it just the money, Charlie?
Charles Van Doren:
You'll forgive me, but anyone who thinks money is ever "just money" couldn't have much of it.
:
Charlie, you wanna insult me, fine, but you can't envy me at the same time.
|
|
:
[of Charles Van Doren] There's absolutely no need to drag the man into the spotlight.
Sandra Goodwin:
You dragged Herb Stempel into the spotlight.
:
Stempel? The man has to be dragged from the spotlight with his teeth marks still on it!
|
|
[while Dan Enright is testifying]
:
I thought we were gonna get television. The truth is... television is gonna get us.
|
|
[coming upon a large gift box; it contains a TV]
Mark Van Doren:
Well, what do we have here?
Party guest:
Aftershave.
Mark Van Doren:
Aww.
|
