| Movie |
Orgazmo |
| Year |
1997 |
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Ma*** Orbison:
Yeah, I just dig that Jesus guy!
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Joe Young:
They want me to do a sequel.
Lisa:
A sequel, to "Death of a Salesman"? Doesn't he die at the end of the first?
Joe Young:
Yes, but he has a twin brother, and he wants revenge.
Lisa:
Revenge? But, doesn't he kill himself?
Joe Young:
No, no, that's what you were led to believe. He was killed by the C.I.A for selling smack... to Nazis...
Lisa:
Wow!
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[Dave recounts a painful memory of why he quit Hamster Style kung fu]
Young Ben:
Dad?
Ben's Father:
Hmm?
Young Ben:
I don't think I'm gonna do Hamster Style anymore.
Ben's Father:
That's nice.
[Flashback pans back to the present]
Ben Chapelski:
[tearfully] And that's how it went down, man!
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Mariachi Band:
Mi Verga es chiquita y muy fea... y todo el mundo lo sabe...
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Ben Chapelski:
Let's see how you like my...***ROCKET!
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Ben Chapelski:
Jesus!
Joe Young:
Where?
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Lisa:
I hope you're happy in the life you've chosen.
Joe Young:
Don't quote Dickens in my apartment!
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Ma*** Orbison:
Put your tongue in her mouth, for Christ's sake!
Joe Young:
How would Christ benefit from me putting my tongue in someone's mouth?
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Dave the Lighting Guy:
Everybody say, "Geddy Lee!"
Joe Young:
Who's Geddy Lee?
Dave the Lighting Guy:
Geddy Lee, best bass player EVER, come on!
Everybody:
Geddy Lee!
[Dave snaps photo]
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Dave the Lighting Guy:
I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think Depeche Mode is a sweet band!
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Dave the Lighting Guy:
Dude, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think you got a hot***
Joe Young:
Thanks.
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Dave the Lighting Guy:
Say, have you seen that movie Clash of the Titans?
Joe Young:
Oh yeah, the greek mythology.
Dave the Lighting Guy:
Hey, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think unicorns are kick***
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Joe Young:
I'm not a superhero! I'm a Latter-Day Saint.
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Joe Young:
I am a bad, bad Mormon!
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Ben Chapelski:
To the Orgazmobile!
Joe Young:
What?
Ben Chapelski:
My Buick Century!
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Ma*** Orbison:
Bring me my stunt***
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[Joe is introduced to the young actresses he'll be co-starring with]
Joe Young:
Oh... I, I can't say that.
Ma*** Orbison:
Say what?
Joe Young:
What are they called?
Ma*** Orbison:
The***** Twins.
Joe Young:
I can't say that. Can we call them something else?
Ma*** Orbison:
But they're the***** Twins.
Joe Young:
Well I know, but um, couldn't I call them the Naughty Twins or something?
Ma*** Orbison:
No, you *couldn't* just call them the Naughty Twins. They're the***** Twins. Why would you call them The Naughty Twins when they get ***ed in the***all the time?
Joe Young:
Well, that's pretty naughty.
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Ma*** Orbison:
What's your name, again?
Sancho:
I am Sancho.
Ma*** Orbison:
Look, I get a lot of people auditioning all the time. What makes you think that you'd be good enough for ***o?
Sancho:
I am Sancho.
Ma*** Orbison:
Great... but what do you do?
Sancho:
What do I do? I am Sancho.
Ma*** Orbison:
And...?
Sancho:
And there are many Jeffs in the world, and many Toms as well. But I... am Sancho.
Ma*** Orbison:
And...?
Sancho:
Are you Sancho? No you are not. Neither is Scott Baio Sancho. Frank Gifford is not Sancho. But I...
Ma*** Orbison:
You... are Sancho!
Sancho:
That's right.
Ma*** Orbison:
Okay, you're hired.
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Joe Young:
Ben, use your hamster style!
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Lisa:
[to Ma***] You pig, you're responsible for degrading all of those women.
Clark:
Equally degradable in ***ographic films.
Lisa:
Men are always in a position of power.
Rodgers:
They're the ones who want the product so bad, they're the victims.
Lisa:
Well, it exploits men by exploiting women.
Clark:
Hence, it exploits people.
Ma*** Orbison:
[pissed off] SHUT UP!
Clark:
Yeah.
Ma*** Orbison:
I do what i do and i make a lot of money and i don't care what i do to people because they're all idiots.
Clark:
Yeah.
Ma*** Orbison:
Especially you Clark, you pig ***ing hunk of***.
Clark:
Yeah.
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Joe Young:
But if you're such a scientific genius,don't you think Heavenly Father has something more important planned for your life?
Ben Chapelski:
Who?
Joe Young:
You.
Ben Chapelski:
...What?
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Ma*** Orbison:
You get me some nice close-ups... and you give me a nice slow zoom, starting with a medium closeup on the***.. and then widening out to an establishing shot.
Camera Man:
Genius.
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Ma*** Orbison:
Okay people, let's go! Lights on!
Dave the Lighting Guy:
Lights are on. It's stable, Captain, Woohoo! Let's see some ***in' action!
Ma*** Orbison:
Dave?
Dave the Lighting Guy:
Yeah?
Ma*** Orbison:
Calm down.
Dave the Lighting Guy:
Right. Sorry.
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Georgi:
My doctor says now I have enough silicone in my body to kill a small elephant! Isn't that cool?
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Saffi:
Oh, give it to me, you big stud!
Rodgers:
I'm not a stud!
Saffi:
Huh?
Rodgers:
I am not a stud! I'm...
[takes off his mask to reveal Clark]
Clark:
...JIZZ MASTER ZERO!
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Interviewer:
What's the difference between Orgazmo and your previous *** titles, like Schindler's Fist?
Ma*** Orbison:
I really think history will describe Orgazmo better than I possibly could.
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Dave the Lighting Guy:
That's some hot***right there!
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Joe Young:
We're from The Church of Jesus Christ.
Old Lady:
Oh, the Mormons?
Joe Young:
That's right. I'm elder Young and this is elder White.
Old Lady:
Well, you two boys can just *** right off.
Joe Young:
Ma'am?
Old Lady:
You heard me. Take that book of Mormons and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul soliciting pig***ers.
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Joe Young:
Ben, superheroes that pray together stay together.
Ben Chapelski:
Aw, what the ***!
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Doctor:
Your testicles have grown to the size of Florida oranges.
Ma*** Orbison:
Really? Tell me something I don't know, doc!
Doctor:
I am going to have to amputate your pee pee.
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G-Fresh:
Those punks from across the street came in the other day and just whupped my sorry black***
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T-Rex:
You're gonna make me*** or I'm gonna kick your***
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T-Rex:
Hi fellas, I'm ready to ***.
Orgazmo:
Huh?
T-Rex:
You want me on top?
Orgazmo:
Uh... NO! I'll be on top!
T-Rex:
You're gonna make me*** or I'm gonna kick your butt!
Ma*** Orbison:
Aaaand... action!
[T-Rex throws Orgazmo down and starts dry humping him]
T-Rex:
Oh! Come on nah! Come on nah! You make me so hot nah! You make me so hot!
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Dave the Lightning Guy:
[to Joe] I don't want to sound like a queer or nothin', but I'd kinda like to make love to you tonight.
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Ben Chapelski:
I tell ya, Joe, there's nothing sadder than a sad Japanese man.
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G-Fresh:
You gonna get popped! if you keep ridin' me...
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Sancho:
Hey, it's Orgazmo!
Joe Young:
I'm not Orgazmo.
Sancho:
I am Sancho.
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[G-Fresh gets hit in the head with a bat several times offscreen. When it shows him again, he only has a bloody lip]
G-Fresh:
Aw, dat hurt so much!
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Ma*** Orbison:
Okay, we're sucking, we're sucking...
Dave the Lighting Guy:
Yeah! SUCK THAT***
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Saffi:
Who will I be ***ing in this scene?
Ma*** Orbison:
Um, you'll be ***ing Ben and Rodgers. By the way, this is our new Orgazmo.
Saffi:
Hi. Are we ***ing?
Ma*** Orbison:
No, we'll be bringing in a stunt***
Saffi:
And I'm NOT doing any***licking in this scene!
Ma*** Orbison:
Yes, yes, no***licking!
Saffi:
I'm not an***licker!
[Walks away]
Ma*** Orbison:
[shaking his head] Give 'em an inch, and they take a mile.
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White Stunt***/strong>:
[to the filmmakers] Hey, how ya doin'?
White Stunt***/strong>:
[to Joe Young] Hey, how ya doin'?
White Stunt***/strong>:
[to Candi, Saffi, and Ben] Hey, how ya doin'?
[Graphic***begins offscreen]
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[Joe Young has just zapped Ma*** Orbison several times with the Orgazmorator]
Ben Chapelski:
Dude! He's never gonna wanna have another orgasm again!
Joe Young:
One more time for Jesus.
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Ben Chapelski:
Whoa! DVDA shot! So, you up for some sushi?
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Joe Young:
[praying] If You don't want me to do this, just give me a sign.
[an earthquake tears through Hollywood]
Joe Young:
Any sign at all.
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Joe Young:
You see, when the Mormons first arrived, they didn't have any money...
DVDA *** Actress:
They should've done DVDA.
Joe Young:
DVDA?
DVDA *** Actress:
Yeah, double-vaginal double-anal. It's the only way a woman of my age will get work in this industry. If you don't think that splits me open like a turkey on Thanksgiving, heh...
Dave the Lighting Guy:
HEY, LADY! We're ready for the DVDA shot!
DVDA *** Actress:
[smiles] Nice talkin' with ya, kid.
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Lisa:
Excuse me, could you tell me what movie this is?
Video Store Clerk:
[laughs] What movie this is? Where have you been, under a rock?
Lisa:
No, I'm from Utah.
Video Store Clerk:
Oh. Sorry.
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[G-Fresh's sushi bar has just been wrecked by thugs]
Joe Young:
We should call the police!
Girl at Sushi Bar:
The police? Where are you from, Arizona?
Joe Young:
No, Utah.
Girl at Sushi Bar:
Oh. Sorry.
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Dave the Lighting Guy:
My name's Dave.
Sancho:
I am Sancho. Don't mean to sound like queer, but I find fire very romantic.
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[a nude mariachi band is playing at Ma*** Orbison's party]
Dave the Lighting Guy:
These guys kind of sound like Depeche Mode!
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Rodgers:
I bet you want it, baby!
Saffi:
Oh, yeah, I want it, baby! I am so badly wanting IT!
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[DVDA singing "Now You're a Man, Man"]
DVDA:
What makes a man, is it the woman in his hands / Just 'cause she's got big titties / Is it the way he fights every day / Naw, it's probably the titties / Now you're a man, (hey) a man, a man, a man / Now you're a man, man, (hey) a man, a man, a man, /Now you're a man, man, (hey) an M-A-N man, man, man, man / Now you're a man
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Lisa:
How could you have***with all of those women?
Joe Young:
I didn't it was a stunt***
Lisa:
A stunt*** So you aren't touching all of those women's breasts?
Joe Young:
Oh no they're all just special effects
Lisa:
really?
Joe Young:
...no
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Dave the Lighting Guy:
[as Joe is about to film his first scene] Lights are on and stable captain. WOO-HOO, let's see some ***in' action!
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